Confusion

It's been awhile since I last posted. There's been alot of drama in my life, but I won't write about that now.

Tonight I feel depressed.

I don't know what I'm doing in my life. I'm in such a weird place. For the past three years, I've been surrounded by apathy and ignorance.

When I went to high school, college, and met everyone that I've known since then (besides those affiliated with my current job), I've seen determination, perserverence, expectations, goals, ambition, etc. People are always trying to get somewhere, to be someone. No one is ever finished learning or becoming who they are to be.

But now I am in this community where no one cares. I cannot even get my kids to read 10 pages of text in an entire day. It's impossible. There are teachers who give passing grades for sandwiches, for skipping class (if the students are behavioral problems), those who think expectations are ridiculous and unreasonable, and those who will tell a student on the first day that he/she is going to fail the semester so don't even try. I'm not like this, and I never want to be. Yet, I can see how this comes about. I myself am beginning to wonder about expectations. Is it too much for me to expect them to read 10 pages.

I did not grow up in this neighborhood, with these families, with this school system. I don't understand what it's like. But does that mean that it's too late? Is it too late. Can I not effect any change? I feel like I do nothing in the classroom and that my job is meaningless. If I make no effect, is my job not meaningless?

I've been absent for many days lately, to deal with personal and family problems. My students get on my case for being absent, but I truly feel both bad and guilty when I miss class. I don't want to miss class. I want to be there. But then again, nothing is accomplished when I am there anyways, which is even worse. Why am I even there? What does it matter?

A 16 year old kid was shot last week by another 16 year old. They were of two local rival gangs. I think this is ridiculous. I heard today that the gang who killed the kid went back to the scene, kicked the offered flowers into the street, and tagged their name/logo onto the ground where he was shot. I don't understand this.

Two of my students were OTed this week (kicked out of the school), because they were caught too many times tagging on the desks and on school grounds. I don't understand this. Writing their pseudonyms (sp?) is more important than staying in school. What do these names even mean? Nothing. In three years, who will even know or care who they are? No one.

One of my students has a baby on the way with his 15 year old girlfriend. They both dropped out of school. I hear that he is robbing people of their jumpers at gunpoint every weekend. I don't understand this.

Another student today told me he was choosing to do no work. He is only waiting, biding his time until he turns 18 so he can drop out of school. I don't understand this. I asked him what he's going to do then, and he doesn't know. No one (for the most part) knows what they want at 16. These kids don't care. They don't understand. They don't know the world, don't care to find out, and have no options, because they choose to have no options. They choose to know nothing.

And I have no effect on them.

I can change none of this.

So what am I doing?