Working it on my own...
Wow. I haven't written anything in over a year. I guess it's about time to start again. However, instead of detailing my life and my relationship, I'll ramble on and on about my breakup and how the heck I'm managing (or not).
Okay, so today was one of the first nights I've been out without Diego. I went to one of our/my favorite spots: Cinespace. The Bourne Ultimatum was playing, and I really wanted to see that, but never got around to it. Part of the reason was that Diego was always "working." The movie was good, but the food wasn't too hot tonight. At least the service was on, except for the fact that our waitress forgot to put in the order for my souffle. But then again, I didn't really need the extra calories.
We stayed for the club, which was fun, but awkward. I haven't been clubbing without Diego for a really long time, and I'm almost freaked out about dancing by myself. With him, I always had a partner. Tonight, I felt really alone and kind of like a loser. Isn't that sad? I shouldn't need a man to dance with so that I can have fun. Unfortunately, that was the case this evening. I just felt weird and out of place.
Earlier this evening, on the way to picking up Alex, we drove by school, and I saw Diego outside his car. That was interesting. I haven't seen him in about three weeks. That's the longest I've gone without seeing him in four years, except for the three weeks I spent in the UK last summer, and I think that might actually have only been two and a half. So yes, this is the longest period of time that we've been apart. Wow. I'm really going to have to get used to being independent and without him. I feel a bit lost.
I know this sounds lame and naive, but I really don't know how I'm going to get through this or how I'm going to do this in general. I think about him everywhere I go, even if I don't go anywhere. It's ridiculous. I was thinking about him in the car, during dinner, throughout the movie, while waiting for the club, while dancing, on the way home, and now at home. I feel like a crazy person.
5 Comments:
i understand how you feel but it was a different kind of loss, i had a miscarriage, 2 of them to be exact. for a while if i saw anything remotely baby i would freak out (a month later sometimes i still do). first i was wondering what is happening to me? why do i not have control over my emotions and thoughts? it was scary. i felt out of control. i felt like my body was taken over by my loss.
what i've found out is that its ok to feel that way. it would be weird if you were not. you wouldn't be human. you didn't physically lose anything but you've experiencing a significant emotional loss. its ok to grieve.
it may take some time but you'll be ok. how do i know? because i know i will be ok, just not now.
I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. Four years is a long time. Do you ever wonder if he thinks about you as much? All in all, God does things for a reason, don't you think? It obviously wasn't the plan you were meant to follow. Lisa, do you think you and Diego set yourselves up for failure? I mean I don't know the reasons behind the break up, but I am a firm believer in karma as well...a little story. I knew a couple who was happy to have met, they spent most every waking hour together. They seemed to be so lost in love together. She became somewhat a control freak towards him, not wanting him to do certain things with certain people, claiming that if there was any spare time in his day, it should be spent with her. He initially was not too bothered, but being told how to be a man was wearing him thin. It seemed as if he was just playing the role of a boyfriend after a while than actually being one. He lost many friends and others lost respect for him. He didn't know how to regain his life back without losing someone who had helped him better himself with so many restrictions. As an observer, I was taken back by the countless arguments they would have and how "public" their relationship had become. She seemed to thrive on it being confrontational and childish towards friends and aquaintances that were not to her liking. I wondered when she would catch on about the fact that she was making a spectacle of their relationship. She didn't, she would try to make him upset by talking about other men and being extra friendly to others around him. He was hurt by this, but it fueled his energy even more. He began to lead a life outside of the relationship. Some friends welcomed him back to socialization, others shunned him for the poor judgement he had made in letting someone be of detrimental control. The latter was inevitable, making love had now turned into sex and the once desire that united them had turned into a chore. He needed to let it go...completely. He made some drastic decisions and found himself elsewhere in the end. It was indeed over. A weight lifted off his shoulders, no pressure to be the man she had dreamed of, no pressure to put on a show for her prejudiced family. No need to make false appearances. No need for him to lose future friends, friends that actually will do good for him in his time of need. Just like they are now. Yeah she found out the hard way that he wasn't the path she was ultimately bound to go down. Yet she feels so lost...he feels so found. You described her feelings almost to the teeth...it reminded me of the two.
Hmmm...interesting story, and I do somewhat believe in karma. I haven't been poasting to this blog, because I've been focusing on my facebook and other sites, but I would say that many elements of that story would be an accurate representation of my past relationship from my ex's perspective or from the perspective of people with whom he is associated.
Do I think he thinks of me this often? No. And honestly, I don't even think of him that often either. I wrote this post right after the drama went down and was extremely hurt by what happened, which I don't think is a strange thing given the circumstances.
I don't see my own experience as mirroring that story, though like I said, I believe my ex would agree with a similar interpretation, because he never quite got anything that was happening. I feel odd even writing about this, because it's not something I review anymore. Of course I made mistakes, but I've stopped blaming myself for them, because my ex made many more and ultimately was the impetus driving us to destruction.
I could write a very long post comparing the two stories point by point and demonstrating that my own past relationship was much different in reality, but I honestly don't even feel like doing that.
My ex is an idiot. Apparently he always was one, and always will be.
And I don't feel lost. If he's like your friend, then I'm glad that he feels found and kudos and best wishes in life. However, four months later, I'm not the same person that wrote that post. My life is excellent and I'm relieved to be rid of the burden of dragging around an immature boy who had no aspirations of anything real for his future, no sense of responsibility, no comprehension of reality, no common sense, and a way of skewing everything so that I looked like the bad one when all I really wanted was positive.
Nothing but good things and positive changes have occurred since my liberation. I've surrounded myself with fabulous and positive people, am finally spending my energy on myself, and have finally begun to experience what a real man has to offer a woman. So, thanks for the interest. ? :] But like I said, I'm good, and I hope the girl in your story is good too, because I'm sure her side of things would come off as completely different.
i defenetly agree with the anonymouse person since pain is what keeps us alive!!
as to smilez you can tell they are on diego's side and its ok because they might be friends but next time you comment on someone check out the time and date!! i well know that Lisa has overcome that opsticle and yea she was distraught for a while but if you look at her she is great!! so how about we all let the past go...
heres a little thought for everyone that is suffering!!
Real pain is a part of life. One of the things that happens is we become afraid of our pain and we avoid it. When we do this we cause false suffering. When we are not willing to feel our pain we also stop ourselves from feeling our pleasure and other feelings. It is like a faucet that is plugged up. In order for us to be in our "greatness", we need to be able to feel our pain.
When we are not afraid of it, it flows -- and passes. All feelings flow and pass. And even our pain can feel pleasurable because when we are flowing, we are so alive.
Today, embrace whatever pain you may be experiencing -- physical or emotional. Know that doing so will connect you to yourself more deeply - that is what this work is about.
to SMILEZ!!
here are some responses to your comment from Lisa!! she does not want to waste her time on you because you are soo not worth her time but agh i have time so i dont give a fuck so im doing it for her!! :)
Comment idea: I was a control freak, not wanting him to hang out with certain people and claiming all his spare time for my own.
My response: This is BS, as with most everything else in the post. When my ex made plans with me ahead of time, I was upset when he decided to “forget” and go to the mall with his friends instead. I don’t think that’s crazy. I would also ask him, weekly in fact, if he wanted to hang out with his friends (with OR without me). I’d say, “don’t you miss your buddies? you can call up juan carlos or the guys if you want. you can go out on your own or i’ll come too if you want.” And his answer was always, “no baby. I want to spend my time with you.” How in the world can he justify his behavior by saying that I dominated his time when he CHOSE to spend it with me. If it was an act, and he was just saying that to appease me for whatever reason, then that’s his bad and his fault. Short of calling his friends for him, the ball was in his court. He should take some responsibility for his own culpability.
CI: Being told how to be a man was wearing him thin.
MR: If he was a man to begin with, no one would have to tell him anything. He was consistently NOT a man. If he didn’t like being told how to be a man, he should have stepped up and become one.
CI: I thrived on being confrontational and childish towards friends and acquaintances not to my liking.
MR: I don’t even know how to respond to this. I was only confrontational with one of his friends, and she was a nightmare who chose to act like a 15 year old with me. Anyone who knows me and this situation knows that I was completely out of my element dealing with such an insane and idiotic girl who had no idea how to deal with issues like an adult. Dumbest comment ever, which makes me think she’s the one who wrote this.
CI: I was making a spectacle of the relationship.
MR: How? When you work in a school, people find out. Kids find out. He’s the one who would hug me and touch me all the time in public—in the parking lot, in the hallways, etc. I consistently told him to lay off in public and not to be so PDA at work, and he used to get mad and say I was overreacting. Plus, when we first started dating, I didn’t know anyone at work, and he’s the one who told everyone. So please. That’s dumb.
CI: I would try to make him upset by talking about other men and being extra friendly to others around him. He was hurt by this and it fueled his energy even more.
MR: You know, I did talk about other guys to him. I told him that I had a “crush” on someone else. But I didn’t do it to be vindictive or to make him feel bad. I told him, because there was something wrong with it, and I wanted to be honest and upfront and address a important problem. By the time this happened, we had ceased being intimate for over a year. I was frustrated and tired. I told him straight out that I felt like we were just friends and should maybe see other people. He didn’t agree and said we should work it out further. I said ok. Then he did nothing to compromise or work it out. Should I have mentioned other guys? Admittedly no. That was a mistake on my part, but I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I felt rejected by my partner, and he appeared unphased by it. He didn’t get jealous, he didn’t get visibly upset. He didn’t care. If he was “hurt” then he should have stepped up and said so or made some movement toward changing his situation. Well, I guess he did. Regardless, by the time I was talking to him about these other “guys” he was ALREADY engaged in dealings with another girl, so he has nothing on me. Furthermore, to say that my talking about guys in order to start a conversation about our lack of intimacy and to point out a serious issue we needed to address does not, and did not, give him the right to lie and cheat for an entire year. I don’t care how much he was “hurt” or how much this “fueled his energy.” I was 150% upfront and honest about how I was feeling and what I was doing. He should have been and done the same. Anything less and he’s just a coward and an ass.
CI: Love turned into sex and a chore.
MR: What sex? There was no sex for almost two years. And it was always a chore since he was so big and physically unhealthy. “Low sex drive” and impotence problems aside, his inactive and unhealthy lifestyle, now coupled with excessive alcohol abuse, will only further his inability to have successful relations with any girl he choses to be with in the future.
CI: He made some drastic decisions and found himself elsewhere in the end.
MR: What a string of euphemisms. “Drastic decisions”? Wow. That is a great stand-in phrase for f-ing a near minor every day while continuing a “show” of being in a relationship with me and my family. Classy.
CI: A weight is lifted off his shoulders, no pressure to be the man I dreamed of, no pressure to put on a show for my prejudiced family.
MR: If he can’t be the man I dream of then he’s an idiot. What did I demand of him? Get a job that provides benefits. At 28, I don’t see that as much of a demand. If he doesn’t care and wants to end up at county again, paying thousands of dollars for poor service, then that’s up to him. But no future man of mine will be that stupid and careless.
Don’t overdraw every month on your accounts and pay those fees. Don’t text message $200 when you only earn $300 a week. Eat healthy. Find a real career (of your choice) where you make some actual money. See a dentist. Finish school, if possible. Don’t drink excessively to where you find yourself in court, almost in jail, and almost dead. Are these really unreasonable demands? Is there really a man reading this that says “man, those are deal breakers. This girl is too much!”?? I seriously doubt it. Unless he’s reading this (which he’s not) or his seriously unimpressive friends (who aren’t either).
Oh, and yes, my mom is prejudiced. She’s Chinese. Get over it and prove her wrong. If you can’t, and you act like my ex, then you’re only propogating the stereotypes. And I can’t believe he’s using my family as an excuse. I have so much to say about his family, but I won’t venture into that territory, because it’s rude.
CI: There is no need for him to lose future friends, friends that actually will do good for him in his time of need, just like they are now.
MR: Although I now tell people to stop giving me updates about my ex, because I could care less about what he’s doing, the last I heard, his “friends” are helping him drink himself into a stupor multiple times a week, helping him spend his almost non-existent income on alcohol and entertainment, and taking him to high school parties where they mingle with intoxicated teenagers. Wow. Must I comment any further? I’m expecting to see him on the 6 o’clock news any day now with his impressive activities.
CI: I feel lost and he feels found.
MR: Do I look lost to anyone who’s seen me lately? I’m tired. I’m super busy. But lost? I’m doing more for myself now than ever. And besides taxing myself a little too much with all my activities (school, work, training, traveling, seeing friends, etc.) I think I’m more myself than I’ve been for the past four years.
And I’m sure he feels found. He’s back to his “comfortable” lifestyle at the bottom of a bottle, with friends that demand absolutely nothing from him except to have fun, to enjoy life, and to act like he’s retarded (literally—no, seriously, retarded. Literally). If the only thing the people around him want is for him to act like he has a learning disability and mental handicap, I’m sure he will excel with honors.
Wow, I spent a lot of time writing this. I need to stop. But I feel better now that I’ve responded, even if the person who wrote that comment can’t read it. It’s off my chest.
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