Body Blues...

Hi, how are you? 

Today I'm going in for a "consultation" in Westwood.  We're going to talk about some sort of cosmetic modification that I've been wanting to do for years upon years now.  No, it's not anything big or scary.  Just small and necessary.  I've always wanted liposuction or breast enhancement surgery, but people keep telling me I'm insane.  Although these things appeal to me, I don't think I'd ever really do any of them.

In college, I knew this guy who was completely against plastic surgery of any kind.  He once said that he would find out if any of his girlfiends had surgery.  If he couldn't tell by examination, then he'd somehow investigate the matter.  If he found out that she had indeed performed some sort of enhancement, he would drop her immediately.

I always thought that was a weird thing.  I mean, granted, people have certain standards and particular things they look for in a person.  People who would get these kinds of surgery may have emotional or self-image problems.  I know I certainly do.  A person might not want to involve him/herself with someone who hated their body or image.  I'm constantly complaining about my weight, ugliness, etc.  I drive the people around me crazy, and I'm sure not everyone would want to be in that kind of environment.  But to drop someone because they had surgery?  I think that's a bit insane. 


aargh! 

On a similar note, I've been lamenting a bit more often lately about my physical appearance.  I am so unhappy about the way I look.  I am overweight.  I know that.  And I don't really do anything about it.  I eat too many bad foods, and I don't exercise.  All I do is complain.  I really need to join a gym or something.  Maybe get into some sort of physical routine.  I don't know.  I have to do something, because I'm getting weird again.  I say "again," because I've experienced this before.  Sometimes I refuse to go out, because I think I'm too ugly to be seen in public.  I look in the mirror, and I hate myself.  I honestly feel loathing for the person who looks back at me from the mirror.  Oftentimes I wonder if I should seek some sort of therapy.  I don't know.  I get into these weird kicks in which I get agitated and begin rambling about the horrible, ugly, deformed, children-scaring monster that I am.  I know I'm not morbidly obese, and I know that I'm not this Medusa-like character, but I sometimes truly feel this way.  It doesn't make sense and I know it's irrational, but I can't help it.  It's almost like one of those strange fears that people have.  Like fear of ants or something.  What the hell is an ant going to do to a person?  Hey, but if you're scared, you're scared, right?  Doesn't have to make sense, it just is.

My weight has always been an issue in my life.  Even looking at my baby pictures.  Man, I was a fat baby.  I had all these rolls where they weren't supposed to be.  I can't even remember a time when I wasn't self conscious about the way I looked.  I've always considered myself fat and ugly.  Always.  And when I look back at some of my childhood pictures, I get upset, because I was cute at one point.  I should have been normal and done all the things a little girl should have done, without worrying about people looking at her or judging her or feeling sick just at the sight of her.  Growing up, I've always heard "if you just lost some weight, you'd be really pretty."  I hate that sentence.  It's a concealed knife.  Seems nice on the outside, because you're saying someone is really naturally very pretty.  However, they're just too fat to let it show.  That's where the bad side comes in.  So I've been convinced that I'd be okay looking if I would just lose some weight. 

My best friend is also consumed with image difficulties.  She is constantly lamenting her own body, and she's smaller than I am.  I hang around with her and she tells me how horrible she looks.  She says she's a monster too, and we get into this heated self-shit-talking bonanza that ultimately leaves us both feeling miserable.  I always figured I felt the more miserable, since she looks a hundred times better than I do.  One of the worst feelings is hanging around a small, thin, beautiful girl who tells you she is a fat and ugly monster.  Then you think "geez, what does that make me?"  This is the story of my life, except instead of hanging around one girl like this, I've always surrounded myself with a harem of insecure skinny girls.  They don't like themselves, yet they're beautiful.  Almost every guy I've ever liked has fallen for one of my friends, because they are gorgeous, intelligent, funny women.  Yet I feel like the odd one out all the time.  I'm like the one fat girl they all keep around to remind themselves that they look better than me.  I know that's not the case (don't get me wrong), but I sometimes feel like it.