My life is full of strife for no good reason

Okay, so drama seems to follow me wherever I go. I feel like I’m the queen of drama, but not by choice. It’s like someone made me the devil, but I never agreed to it. Now I’m being persecuted by evil and hatred, and demons are chasing me around. Geez Louise.

So everything that surrounds my relationship with Diego is a problem. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I’m worried that this is like a sign or something. Maybe God is telling me that this is not the thing for me, and that I’d be better off leaving it alone.

Today, while walking to lunch, the dean (for my track) looked a little unsure as she approached me. I thought she wanted to say something to me, but I wasn’t sure. Just in case, I stopped to give her the opportunity, if it was even desired. Well, apparently it was. So, she stopped and pulled me aside, and said that she wanted to tell me something as a friend. She said that I should stop hanging around with Diego so much. !!! Seriously, on top of all my other problems and difficulties, this is like adding insult to injury. She told me that I’m becoming a “faculty joke.” I quickly replied that I only hang out with Diego during my nutrition and lunch. She said exactly, and that it was really obvious. She just wanted to let me know that people were talking.

So people are talking. And I seriously don’t get it. Teachers eat with their husbands. They eat with their fiances. They eat with their significant others. Why is it wrong for me to do the same? I spent the first year of my life here alone. I ate alone, spent all my time in my room – alone. Now I’m actually getting out. I think I should have stayed in my room. I see him for maybe 5-10 minutes at nutrition. I see him for 15-20 minutes (sometimes less) at lunch. We are not necking. We are not kissing. We are not doing anything. So what is the problem? Am I chasing him? Does he not like me? Why does this make me a joke? What kind of joke? Oh, there goes the teacher who hangs out with her boyfriend? What the freak?

And what exactly is obvious? Is it obvious that I like him? We’re together. ... I feel like that one girl who has a crush on that one guy. She hangs around him and stuff. Her friends tell her, “girl, be careful, because it’s really obvious.” Okay, if that was the situation, then maybe. If that was the case, then I’d understand, but I truly don’t see what’s obvious. Why is it that I go to work at a school, and nothing makes sense. Seriously. Ever since I came here, things have progressed further and further into ridiculousness.

I’m out in two weeks. What do I do? Do I heed these comments and stop seeing him? Or do I continue doing things the same way until I’m out, since there’s not much time left. He’s one of the only good things I have at this school. He’s one of the only comforting and happy things I have to look forward to during my day. Do I spend the rest of my time here segregated off by myself in my room? Do I try to make “friends” with the weird, uninteresting people who are talking crap behind my back and making me a faculty joke? My choices are so numerous and satisfying.

I barely get to see Diego as it is. People who talk to me are going to say this is BS, but it’s really not. I see him almost every day. That’s true. But for how long? And what is the quality of that time? He works, then goes to school, then has other classes. He comes over to my house a little before nine o’clock. In the evening. By then I am tired and sleepy. It’s late. We can’t do anything. All we do is hang out or watch tv or something. That’s it. And then he works on Fridays and Weekends sometimes, or he has things to do, etc. And this is when he’s spending all of his free time with me. If he makes plans with anyone else, it’s even worse. I don’t want to give up the 25-30 minutes I spend with him at school. At least it’s daylight. I can tell him about things that are happening during the day and vice versa. If I had to wait until 9pm to catch up, I wouldn’t remember anything at all.

He’s considering leaving this school and taking a security job elsewhere. He’s pretty much just waiting for the guy to call him back and give him the details. I guess it’ll be the same thing then, though, right? I won’t really see him at all. Is that a working person’s life? Maybe it is. But that’s not my reality now, so I want to take advantage of the opportunities I currently have. I also feel like leaving this school. I don’t like the people here, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I wish that I was working somewhere where I enjoy my coworkers and the things that I’m doing. But that’s not the case. I have a lot of students that I enjoy, though. I find myself increasingly turning to them for amusement and interaction. That’s dangerous too, because I guess it’s unprofessional. But I like messing around with them (innocently) and talking to them about things. It’s like being with my friends. Not weird coworkers who secretly hate you.