Stupidity

I'm sitting in my room with the lights off, and I'm freaking crying my eyes out. This is the dumbest thing ever. Unfortunately, one of the negative aspects of my job is that I have to stand in front of 150 students each day. If I'm in a bad mood, if I feel like crying my eyes out, if I feel sick, or frustrated, or whatever. I have to teach. I have to talk. I have to help. I have to pretend that everything is fine, or else risk everyone jumping on me at the same time.

I don't want to be here today.

Teaching is such a weird thing. I come here every day. I tell kids what to do. I give them work. I punish them. I counsel them. I "teach." But no one really knows what I'm doing. No one tells me what to do. I could be teaching my kids how to build bombs or illustrate porno magazines. No one really knows. And no ones really helps. I feel so utterly alone. I don't even have any TA's. Although, the ones I've had in the past didn't really do much anyways. They just sat and read their own material, or watched what I was doing. Most of them were pulled out all the time. My TA last semester was in my room like 10 days out of four months. She denies it, and I have no real written proof to document the days she was or was not here. But I'm estimating 10. Honestly. Truthfully.

I feel like I have no support. I freaking had a gas leak and no heat in my classroom for over a month. The plant manager and administrators refused to help me or even validate my claims. Everyone said there were no problems. Nothing was wrong. I'm insane. No one can "smell" gas, and the heater works. Lo and behold, after a month and a half of sitting in a freezing, stinking, asphixiating room, they find a leak, they decide the thermostat is indeed broken.

Things just haven't been going right. Diego was in my room yesterday. The teacher who has him for a TA said that she sent him over for a stapler. I wasn't even here. I had an IEP meeting. There was a substitute in my room. However, I am potentially in trouble once more. There was a random search of my students (to find who knows what -- drugs, tagging markers, weapons, etc). The students in my 5th period aren't even like that. I could have told them that and saved them the trouble. Anyways, people saw Diego in my room and told the Title One coordinator (who's Diego's boss/supervisor). And she's pissed. Apparently, she told him not to help me. She told him this multiple times. I didn't even know this was the case. I guess she doesn't want us together, because we are together. But I wasn't even in the room! I was at a meeting.

I just feel like everyone's against me. I feel like the plant manager is shunting me, the administration finds me irritating (especially after the fiasco with the principal and my students' complaint letters), and the main office people despise me (because I have a history of coming to school late -- though I never miss class and cover other classes frequently). The freaking English co-chair hates my guts, and I think she's a bunch of words I don't care to write. She lies and spreads stupid rumors that I neck in the parking lot and so on. What the hell do I do to deserve this? I go out of my way to be nice to people. I try to keep a low profile. I sometimes make the wrong decisions, but who doesn't? Honestly. I'm beginning to get paranoid. And now this.

The T1 coordinator doesn't want him helping me. She doesn't even want him translating for me during parent conference. Is this because we're unprofessional? Because I can't keep my hands off him? Because when he's around me, I have to send him secret love messages with my eyes? My initial reaction to having him as my TA is negative. I think it would be weird. It wouldn't be my first choice. It wouldn't even be my second. It wouldn't even be my third! But this could go on forever.

Yet who says we couldn't be effective in the classroom? He translated for me for the last parent conference. There were no moments of nakedness or cuddling during the three hours of the conferences. I barely even looked at him the entire time. He was there to perform a job and function. And so was I. So why couldn't this work in the classroom as well?

He knows what I'm doing. He knows what my difficulties and weaknesses are. He knows about my students and which ones give me grief. He already knows exactly how to help me. I think he could be invaluable. But apparently, I'm yet again wrong. Or, at least viewed that way.

So now he's upset. He's in trouble. I wasn't even in the room, for Pete's sake! Last night he went home and said he wanted to be alone. He was supposed to call me, but didn't. He didn't feel like talking. And today, he doesn't feel like talking either.

I don't know why this makes me so sad. I guess I don't often want to be alone. I like having company. Especially when I'm upset. Anyway, I love him. When he's sad, I'm sad too. If he's going to sulk, then I don't feel happy. And today's our 9 month anniversary. Yay. It's going great so far.

You know, I actually do want to be alone. However, in my case it's impossible, because I have a class coming in 30 minutes. Yay again...