Separate

It's strange, being detached from your life. People build these intricate indentities that are connected to everything around them -- people, places, etc. Then things change, and everything is different. And somehow wrong.

I feel like I'm always complaining or bemoaning my existence, but that's not really what I'm doing right now. I'm just looking at things, my life specifically, and wondering where it's all going.

When I was in high school, I didn't think of things like this. Things just were, and I never really questioned any of it. I saw people around me question society, authority, education, love, conformity, the bounds of their personalities, etc., but I was always an observer of this phenomena. Although I sympathized, I didn't quite understand the drive behind these types of searchings. I was fine with my identity, whatever that was. However, I'm beginning to realize that I didn't necessarily associate myself with any one type of environment or social group. I wasn't floundering, trying to find a steady persona. I was content to merely float around wherever the current happened to pull.

When I went to college, though, things changed. It's so weird to say that I formed a cohesive identity in college. It was there where I met the most diverse people and experienced the greatest variety of thoughts and sensations. I feel like I had my hand in every cookie jar, not to sound trite by any means. Yet at the same time, I was sinking my roots into this gloriously rich soil. And that's where I felt the most at home. It's where I grew and became the person I am today -- which includes my perspectives and ideologies.

Leaving the bay area was difficult. Not to prolong a bad analogy, but the ground here is much less hospitable. I feel restricted and stunted. I've been reading this book (Eragon) that is actually quite good. It's something I picked up at Costco. Some kid who graduated from high school at 15 got his book published at 19 or something, which I consider a great feat. I'm actually quite jealous of such an accomplishment. It's very Tolkien-esque. It has maps and elves and things. Anyways, the boy in the story, Eragon, finds himself in the particular position of possessing a dragon. Well, possessing is not the correct word, as it is as intelligent (if not more so) than he, but for all intensive purposes it's his. Anyways (!), when he first touches it, he experiences this intense burning sensation throughout his whole body, and the barriers of his mind are pulled down. He shares this connection with the dragon and it helps him to free his mind. He feels as though his consciousness is expanded and can feel beyond himself, beyond the confines of his previous physical being.

Okay, this is getting dumb (probably), but that's sort of how I feel my college experience was. At first it was painful. I didn't like my environment. It was harder, and harsher, and too varied. It was not to my liking in any respect. I didn't want to be there, and I wanted to go home. But I soon found it to be enlightening and freeing. I experienced, felt, saw, heard, knew, contemplated all of these previously unknown situations, feelings, sights, sounds, ideas, thoughts, and musings. Being separated from that environment is like the boy being separated from his dragon. Or even Lyra from her daemon (a being which ends up representing her soul -- Philip Pullman novels). I feel separated from all that which gave me life, freedom, and consciousness. How dramatic, eh? But when am I not?