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Saturday, May 07, 2005

Dogville

Yesterday I watched Dogville. A friend from school recommended it, and I finally got it through the Blockbuster mail rental service. I really had no idea what the story was about. I also had no idea that it was so long! Anyways, I thought it was rather good, and it made me think.

A lot of the story has to do with the idea of pardoning or excusing people and their behavior, attitudes, etc. because of situation or past experience. Nicole Kidman runs away to this little and remote town, and the audience thinks that it's she who needs to be accepted. However, it turns out that it's more about her accepting the townsfolk. Terrible things happen. But she forgives them and doesn't get angry. She exposes herself and suffers through real atrocities, but she accepts her fate and continues to believe the people are good, but weak. It's not their fault that they are weak. They are under stress. They are in a peculiar situation. They are afraid. They have strong weaknesses. They have a certain mentality, because of things they have gone through, because of where they live, because of things in their past which have altered their perceptions and caused disappointment. If she was in their place, she would be and do the same.

If you haven't seen the movie and plan on it, don't read the next paragraph. If you're planning on seeing it, and I wholly recommend it, then all the effectiveness will be lost by this.

Anyhow, she realizes later that her excuses are not enough. No, if in their place, she would not be or do the same. She would be judged accordingly. And she passes judgement on them.

This got me thinking. About my personal life, I guess. Lately, so many bad things about my relationship have come to light. So many problems and disappointments, bad decisions, and "unforgivable" actions. Yet I've been forgiving them all. I have been accepting and understanding, supportive and as positive as possible. Underneath, of course, I am pulsating with hatred, anger, and indignation, but I push all of that down (as best as possible), because I've been making excuses. There were circumstances. There has been an entire life history that has led up to this point which has created weaknesses. A person cannot be held solely responsible for his/her decisions and actions if circumstance has shaped a person a certain way. And a person cannot be scorned for mistakes made, because of this and because of many stressful situations all hitting at the same time.

However, is this truly the case? There will always be circumstances, will there not? There will always be a past, will there not? I too have weaknesses and experiences from my past which have created complexes and insecurities and negative tendencies. But is that enough? I am still judged by my actions. I still have choice. I may be influenced in certain ways, because of who I am and what I've been through, but does that excuse me?

I don't know. Half of me says yes, and the other half says no. I keep thinking that it's similar to the mentality wherein people believe a certain individual is exempt or deserves less punishment for a crime based on situation. He/she grew up in the ghetto. There were drugs, there were no parents, there were gangs and bad influnces. There were beatings and abuse, etc. And I get this. I understand how a person's past can influence their future actions and outlooks. But how far does the excuse go? To what point does one say, well, he/she can't help it. He/she is a product of society and his/her environment. Where is the line drawn? I mean, actions are actions. Maybe some are better understood than others, when all this is taken into consideration. Maybe some are forgiven more easily, and empathized with.

But are they excused?

Friday, May 06, 2005

Second Date

Tonight I went out on my second date with the new guy. He picked me up at my house and we drove to the Long Beach Town Center. We were going to see Crash. However, we ran into a problem.

I don't ever go to this place. I've only been going there this year, because Diego and his friends go there. When we parked and got in line to see the movie, I tripped out. I couldn't take it, he could tell, I sort of explained, and we had to leave. How sad is that? It was really nice of him though. See, we parked across from Party City (where I bought balloons for Diego's birthday and went shopping with him for Halloween), walked by Roadhouse (where we ate dinner), by Michael's (where we also went shopping), past this Asian buffet (where Diego had his family birthday dinner), and stood in line at the box office behind this loving couple (which reminded me of the time we stood lovingly in this same line to get tickets to the Incredibles). :( I'm never going there again.

We ended up going to a theater in Cerritos and watched the movie. Afterwards, though it was really late, he looked like he wanted to go to TGIF. However, I was just there two months ago with Diego, and nevertheless, I was not hungry.

It was a strange night with strange conversation and many akward moments. The guy seems really into it, but I'm not sure if I'm feeling the same vibe. Moreover, I'm totally not over Diego (surpirse, like it's been a year or something), and I think maybe I should just be alone, since I'm just dragging an innocent person into my emotional nightmare.

A Day at the Mission

A few weekends ago, Eddie and I went to San Juan Capistrano to visit the mission. It was actually quite beautiful.



The front of the mission.



Coffee anyone? Posted by Hello



Me closer Posted by Hello

Eddie is getting salary points for visitng museums around Southern California. I wish I was taking that class. Anywho, he invited me along to keep him company. Plus, it was a bit of a nostalgic event, as we spent the whole day here (not at the mission, but in SJC) during our high school swallows parade.


Eddie in his niche Posted by Hello

Eddie wanted to take his picture in this nook. He had to literally pull himself up there. I could never do that. It's probably very illegal as well. I thought that we were going to get thrown out of the place, but no one saw. Eddie...desecrating religious landmarks...


Bells and fountain Posted by Hello

There was this really pretty fountain next to these historic bells. Eddie wanted to take all these pictures of me. I found that weird, but not in a bad way. I'm not used to people taking pictures of me. I'm used to taking pictures of other people. I have 7000 pictures of Diego, and couple shots, but only a handful of myself. And I had to ask him to take those. Psych analyzations anyone?


Me at the fountain Posted by Hello



Me and the mission bells Posted by Hello


We also saw this really phallic plant. We were totally horrible and having completely inappropriate conversations in a mission.


phallic plant Posted by Hello


There was this fountain in the middle of the buildings. It was very nice, and we thought we'd take some more pictures. We asked this woman to take pictures of us, but she couldn't get my camera to work. We kept posing, then walking over to check the camera, telling her what to do, walking back, posing, etc. It was hilarious in a really annoying way. She finally took like 10 pictures and we were talking to her in half of them. Here are the best of them. Well, the first two are mine, but the ones with me and Eddie are the ones she took.


Pretty fountain at the mission Posted by Hello



Nice water Posted by Hello



Eddie and me sitting at the fountain Posted by Hello




Eddie and me at the fountain Posted by Hello


And finally, here are some more pictures that Eddie took.


Me and flowers Posted by Hello




Picture through the flowers Posted by Hello


Afterwards we went to In n Out. Mmmmm. It was a good day. :)

Sunday, May 01, 2005

New Horizons

Diego and I are officially broken up. It's been a long and hard week and a half. I've been hysterical, even more than usual...I even cried in my classroom. In front of my class! *sigh*

However, I'm a bit more "sedate" now, and I'm also on vacation. Well, after Wednesday. Please people, call me and take me out. I need to keep busy right now.

Speaking of busy, I also went out on a date. Fast, eh? I'm not sure what that makes me. I went out because I was feeling so extremely crappy and emotionally handicapped. A great reason to start a new romance, I know. Also, a wonderful idea to bring another human being into my vortex of abyssmal depression. Yet, it's been done.

We went to dinner last night and then hit the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. It was really fun. I had a good time, and he paid for absolutely everything, which is something I am completely unused to. The night went well, until he tried to kiss me at my doorstep and got denied. He said he felt stupid and then left. So we'll see. I told him that I "just" got out of a relationship and wanted to take things slow. I hope that's not his idea of taking it slow. :/

Then Diego called today to see how my date went. How weird is that? I said it was good, there was silence, then he had to go. ???


Why me? So I spent the rest of the day sulking in bed. Someone, please, pull me out of this nightmare!!