My life is full of strife for no good reason

Okay, so drama seems to follow me wherever I go. I feel like I’m the queen of drama, but not by choice. It’s like someone made me the devil, but I never agreed to it. Now I’m being persecuted by evil and hatred, and demons are chasing me around. Geez Louise.

So everything that surrounds my relationship with Diego is a problem. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I’m worried that this is like a sign or something. Maybe God is telling me that this is not the thing for me, and that I’d be better off leaving it alone.

Today, while walking to lunch, the dean (for my track) looked a little unsure as she approached me. I thought she wanted to say something to me, but I wasn’t sure. Just in case, I stopped to give her the opportunity, if it was even desired. Well, apparently it was. So, she stopped and pulled me aside, and said that she wanted to tell me something as a friend. She said that I should stop hanging around with Diego so much. !!! Seriously, on top of all my other problems and difficulties, this is like adding insult to injury. She told me that I’m becoming a “faculty joke.” I quickly replied that I only hang out with Diego during my nutrition and lunch. She said exactly, and that it was really obvious. She just wanted to let me know that people were talking.

So people are talking. And I seriously don’t get it. Teachers eat with their husbands. They eat with their fiances. They eat with their significant others. Why is it wrong for me to do the same? I spent the first year of my life here alone. I ate alone, spent all my time in my room – alone. Now I’m actually getting out. I think I should have stayed in my room. I see him for maybe 5-10 minutes at nutrition. I see him for 15-20 minutes (sometimes less) at lunch. We are not necking. We are not kissing. We are not doing anything. So what is the problem? Am I chasing him? Does he not like me? Why does this make me a joke? What kind of joke? Oh, there goes the teacher who hangs out with her boyfriend? What the freak?

And what exactly is obvious? Is it obvious that I like him? We’re together. ... I feel like that one girl who has a crush on that one guy. She hangs around him and stuff. Her friends tell her, “girl, be careful, because it’s really obvious.” Okay, if that was the situation, then maybe. If that was the case, then I’d understand, but I truly don’t see what’s obvious. Why is it that I go to work at a school, and nothing makes sense. Seriously. Ever since I came here, things have progressed further and further into ridiculousness.

I’m out in two weeks. What do I do? Do I heed these comments and stop seeing him? Or do I continue doing things the same way until I’m out, since there’s not much time left. He’s one of the only good things I have at this school. He’s one of the only comforting and happy things I have to look forward to during my day. Do I spend the rest of my time here segregated off by myself in my room? Do I try to make “friends” with the weird, uninteresting people who are talking crap behind my back and making me a faculty joke? My choices are so numerous and satisfying.

I barely get to see Diego as it is. People who talk to me are going to say this is BS, but it’s really not. I see him almost every day. That’s true. But for how long? And what is the quality of that time? He works, then goes to school, then has other classes. He comes over to my house a little before nine o’clock. In the evening. By then I am tired and sleepy. It’s late. We can’t do anything. All we do is hang out or watch tv or something. That’s it. And then he works on Fridays and Weekends sometimes, or he has things to do, etc. And this is when he’s spending all of his free time with me. If he makes plans with anyone else, it’s even worse. I don’t want to give up the 25-30 minutes I spend with him at school. At least it’s daylight. I can tell him about things that are happening during the day and vice versa. If I had to wait until 9pm to catch up, I wouldn’t remember anything at all.

He’s considering leaving this school and taking a security job elsewhere. He’s pretty much just waiting for the guy to call him back and give him the details. I guess it’ll be the same thing then, though, right? I won’t really see him at all. Is that a working person’s life? Maybe it is. But that’s not my reality now, so I want to take advantage of the opportunities I currently have. I also feel like leaving this school. I don’t like the people here, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I wish that I was working somewhere where I enjoy my coworkers and the things that I’m doing. But that’s not the case. I have a lot of students that I enjoy, though. I find myself increasingly turning to them for amusement and interaction. That’s dangerous too, because I guess it’s unprofessional. But I like messing around with them (innocently) and talking to them about things. It’s like being with my friends. Not weird coworkers who secretly hate you.

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More of the Same

I had a mess of posts on my blog that had to do with my drama with Diego and Cecy. Well, I mentioned one part to Diego, and he got upset. I subsequently had to delete blogs of the girl I find so refreshing and lovely. He doesn't actually read my site, so there's no real reason to do this. I could just say that I did and then don't. But that would be bad, no? He likes to keep our lives to ourselves, but I've never been like that. And barely anyone even reads this thing anyways.

I'm sort of sad, because (well, my last blog about the aforementioned girl was actually quite good) I feel like I've lost an important outlet. I can still vaguely talk about things and situations, but I feel restricted in my subject matter. I find this interesting. When I went out to dinner with Beth and Ryan last last weekend, she mentioned to me that she wished her blog was more like mine. In the past, she had written more personal messages and used her blog as a diary of sorts. Then people got upset, and she had to reconstruct and revise. She gave me kudos for being able to say anything I want. Now all that's changed. My blog has been limited by a person who doesn't even read it. Slightly ironic?? Or am I skewing the definition of the word?

I'm still going to talk about stuff, but I'll refrain from "personal" specifics and "highly disparaging" commentary. HAHA. :/ Last night was prom. I decided to stop by, but I think that I shouldn't have. Things didn't turn out the way I hoped. I'm tired of fighting all the time, and think that things either need to change or end. I mean I'm totally hoping for the first, but I don't see how any of it is going to happen. I felt very isolated again. Is this a common theme with me? I feel ostracized from the people at my school (namely the TA's) and feel like Diego is forced to ostracize himself from his group. Not because I don't get along with everyone, but because of a certain individual toward whom I hold "strong" feelings. *sigh*

I need to go out!!! I was reading Beth's blog, and I wish that I had been invited to the museum. I still haven't been to LACMA. I would have loved to go. And I would have taken an audio tour as well, so it wouldn't have been an inconvinience. Whenever I go to a museum (which is RARELY, unfortunately), I want to try the audio tour, but no one else does, and that's sort of weird -- listening to headphones when your company/partner is not. I did an audio tour once. I had to go to a picasso exhibit. I think I was in middle school, but I can't figure out what class it was -- our 6th grade art class?? Could that be right?? Anyways, I went with my dad, and he wanted me to understand as much of it as possible. I remember that it was an amazing exhibit, and that I really learned quite a great deal about the artist and his works.